And It's My Heart You'll Break
by spentnights
Summary: Even after all these years, you don't stop pretending.


and it's my heart you'll break

**Characters:** Blair, Blair/Nate, implied Blair/Chuck.

**Rating/Word Count:** G / 955

**Summary:** Even after all these years, you don't stop pretending.

(originally posted at burnthe_city at LiveJournal.)

* * *

Life isn't what you thought it would be. Nothing is as you thought it would be, but somehow you can't bother to change it.

* * *

It's something like this:

You're sixteen and your boyfriend doesn't love you anymore.

He's fallen out of love with you and into another's embrace.

He's a cheater and a liar and you should stop loving him, but you never will.

* * *

Rewind – back to the beginning.

You're five years old. You're on a swing and you fall; you scrape your knee, your dress tears. Your mother will be furious.

A boy with blue eyes and a warm smile pulls you up by the hand and asks if you're all right. He is your white knight and he has come to save you.

You smile back at him, bat your lashes like in the movies; say yes.

And you love him instantly.

* * *

Fast-forward.

It's summer when you're twelve-going-on-thirteen.

The boy kisses your best friend on a dare. It looks too real and his eyes sparkle at the sound of her laughter – but all you see is red.

This is not the beginning; this is not the end.

* * *

Fifteen and you're all alone again.

No one loves you anymore. Your best friend ran away, your boyfriend isn't himself lately. Your parents don't even love each other nowadays let alone you.

You don't know who you are. You feel weak and lonely and lost.

You're Blair Waldorf: you're not supposed to need others to define to you, but here you are wishing you did.

But you have a kingdom to rule and a reputation to uphold, so when you stick your finger down your throat to make it easier you tell yourself it's for a good cause.

* * *

There is a boy in a bowtie at seventeen: a boy who looks at you differently and who wants you. He murmurs of butterflies and makes you feel alive for the first time.

But you're not supposed to want him so you push him away.

* * *

Flashback.

Nine years old and you have your first kiss with the boy of your dreams.

He pecks your lips and nuzzles your nose before running off with his best friend.

It's perfect but you notice that when he looks at you it's not like when he looks at her.

You start to wonder if he loves you as much as you love him.

And just like that, the dream begins to crack.

* * *

He loves you again at eighteen.

There are promises of _always have, always will_ and kisses in the snow and memories of your younger days.

You have him again; he is yours once more. Your heart returns to his sleeve and he whispers his love for you like nothing is different.

(But everything is different because your heart doesn't belong to him anymore.)

You love him and he loves you – so why do you feel nothing?

* * *

There's an interlude between when you choose someone else and the two of you go your separate ways.

But he is never gone, always somewhere close: living with your boyfriend or hanging around your school or on the arm of your best friend.

It stopped hurting a long time ago, so you figure you're over him for good.

* * *

Four years after high school and you find your way back to him.

Twenty-two and you graduate together. There is a party where you drink too much because the playboy-gone-good (but-not-really) has broken your heart for the last time and your first love is there to rescue you again.

He kisses you under moonlight and the twinkling lights reflect in his eyes. He tastes of champagne and childhood dreams and it feels like coming home.

You wonder if there will ever be a time when you don't love him.

* * *

You're twenty-four, the diamond on your finger catching the light when you twirl it around. It is so beautiful that you feel unworthy for the umpteenth time in your life.

He kisses your worries away with ease, but the pain never stops and you wonder if you'll ever change.

* * *

It's a wedding for the ages and it's _yours_; it's your plan, it's your fantasy, it's your dream.

The vows are said, the rings slipped onto each other's fingers. There is applause when you kiss, his soft hand cupping your face and you feel his smile against your lips.

_Perfect. _

(Except it's not: it's not perfect when you see the other boy who stole your heart across the ballroom and you wonder if you made the wrong choice as your husband holds your hand.

It's not perfect when you pretend that the reason you were sick before the ceremony was because of something you ate and not self-induced because you can't handle this

Your life isn't perfect and neither are you.)

* * *

At twenty-five you have everything you want: a husband who adores you, a career you enjoy, and a brownstone to come home to – a life and a future others would envy.

But there is emptiness inside you, where your heart used to beat wildly.

There is a void in you that will never be filled with this life because you chose the wrong path.

The easy path, the one you pretended was what you truly wanted.

Your head said _yes_ but your heart screamed _no, no, no_.

In the past, your heart always got in the way: made you make rash decisions without thinking, without rationalizing.

Your heart got in the way of the plan and in the end you lost because of it.

* * *

Every night you tell yourself this is what you want, that everything you ever worked for is yours and that you are happy.

Even after all these years, you don't stop pretending.

* * *

Thanks for reading. Reviews are always appreciated.


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